Thursday, May 31, 2007

Scary face

A friend has told me that I get scary when I'm angry. Scary.

That took me by surprise, I must say. I know I make it obvious when I'm not happy about something (after all, I do rant a lot). However when I get really angry at something or someone I don't rant, nor yell or anything - I just remain silent. And with a scary look on my face that, it seems, insists on showing herself even when I'm not that angry.

That's a double-edged knife. Except when I am pissed off, that is when I choose not to speak to anyone, I do want people to come and talk to me, so I can get it out of my system and let it go, even if sometimes "exploding" at people, which really does not mean much, except that I trust that person enough to know it's just temporary. It seems bizarre, I know, and by most perspectives it really is, but that's the way I deal with that - it's part of who I am.

That's a bit different when I really get pissed off, because I withdraw from wherever I am and try to isolate myself, deliberately avoiding contact with other people, especially friends and loved ones, to prevent going really mad. Fortunately, very few people have ever seen it happen. The main reason I isolate myself is because I'm afraid of that trait of my personality - I'm afraid I might do or say soem pretty nasty things to people I really care about. This is the kind of stuff I don't want to get out, absorbing them and using the introspective moments I get from isolation to meditate about many things, which means that it tends to fade away.

As I like to think, that which is not solved by Time is made smoother by it. It means that even the most bitter fight between two friends can be put to an end given time and a good dialogue.