Still looking for answers.

I honestly don't know what to write about here. I guess it's because so many things have been happening in the last few weeks I haven't had the time to sort it all out.

However I have been doing a lot of thinking. I've been thinking mostly about the way I live and the way I want to live in the future; and I made some decisions concerning my own habits that are very difficult to implement, because they need a lot of discipline - and that's a quality I have less of than I would like to.

Many people may call it paranoia, but what actually catalyzed the change in the way I see the world were two movies I watched only recently.

The first was 'Super Size Me'. I'm not sure if everything shown in the movie is actually true, but it scared the crap out of me. I was already concerned about my eating habits, but after that I completely stopped drinking soda, for example. I'm trying to eat less junk food, and to reach a better balanced diet.

I'm also trying (not very successfully until now) to make some exercise. I'm still not sure what, but I'm doing something.

The other movie that caused this change was Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth". Until watching it I didn't have an opinion about Global Warming. After that, although I still feel that I need to learn more about it, my habits did change - I'm trying to do my part, and I'm encouraging other people to do so.

I've been giving a lot of though to my future, too. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do after I finish grad school. I guess this is because there are too many variables involved. One thing I know for sure: what I want the most is to raise a family. There are a lot of things that have a weight on making such a decision, such as, 'is it worth it to bring a child to this wrecked world?'.

I'm still looking for answers.

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Scary face

A friend has told me that I get scary when I'm angry. Scary.

That took me by surprise, I must say. I know I make it obvious when I'm not happy about something (after all, I do rant a lot). However when I get really angry at something or someone I don't rant, nor yell or anything - I just remain silent. And with a scary look on my face that, it seems, insists on showing herself even when I'm not that angry.

That's a double-edged knife. Except when I am pissed off, that is when I choose not to speak to anyone, I do want people to come and talk to me, so I can get it out of my system and let it go, even if sometimes "exploding" at people, which really does not mean much, except that I trust that person enough to know it's just temporary. It seems bizarre, I know, and by most perspectives it really is, but that's the way I deal with that - it's part of who I am.

That's a bit different when I really get pissed off, because I withdraw from wherever I am and try to isolate myself, deliberately avoiding contact with other people, especially friends and loved ones, to prevent going really mad. Fortunately, very few people have ever seen it happen. The main reason I isolate myself is because I'm afraid of that trait of my personality - I'm afraid I might do or say soem pretty nasty things to people I really care about. This is the kind of stuff I don't want to get out, absorbing them and using the introspective moments I get from isolation to meditate about many things, which means that it tends to fade away.

As I like to think, that which is not solved by Time is made smoother by it. It means that even the most bitter fight between two friends can be put to an end given time and a good dialogue.

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